Monday, 3 August 2009

Charlie Brooker - The Movie

Over in The Guardian, the Ford Cortina of British newspapers (a clunker that is a waste of money loved only by its hobbyist owners and is a total money pit) carries an article by Charile Brooker.

Chariles gives us three ideas for three new Hollywood movies.

But Charlie is in fact the man we want to see in the movies.

Here are three ideas for Charile Brooker films ;

1) Charlie Brooker as Harry Corbett in a remake of Carry On Frankenstein.

Charlie has to battle with a genetically engineered monster whose DNA is a mixture of Ann Widecome and the Honey Monster.

Kenneth Williams is played by Graham Norton and Jim Dale by that American wooly woofter in Torchwood who is obviously shagging some top BBC producer as he gets parts in new BBC TV shows every other week.

His next role is as the dog in One Man and His Dog.

Charlie is an undercover reporter for the Daily Guardian who discovers that various MP's have been kidnapped and their DNA taken in order for the Tory Party to bio-engineer the perfect politician.

Daavid Cameron, played by Ant of Ant and Dec fame, is revealed to be a descendant of Vlad the Impaler who seeks to breed a race of Ubermenschen Conservatives who dont rip off the tax payer with their expenses, who arent married to their cousins and who dont think he is foppish mug.

Charlie is kidnapped and his DNA taken and the last thing we see is a pram being pushed down the street by Anne Widecome with a child inside - who bears the face of Charlie.

2) Charlie Brooker in Dirty Dancing The Remake - Charlie plays the role of Patrick Swayze but to make it more poignant Charlie has a club foot.

Charlies club foot was a result of an accident in his youth where a frenzied hedgehog attacked him whilst he was out camping with the scouts. This was because he was wearing his socks that been kept in the same bag as his bacon butties.

Charlie wats to be a dancer but when he dances on his left foot he is as graceful as a swan, whilst when he tries to dance on his right foot he dances like John Precott after twenty pints and a kebab.

Charlie is working at Rhyll Butlins resort as a Morris dance teacher where he meets Jordan. She has just discovered that her husband Peter Andre is really a woman and she has fled to Rhyll to get over her heartbreak.

Charlie is there, the dancing instructor with a club foot who can see the stars but trips up each time he strives to grab them until Jordan enters the room.

Jordan also wants to dance but her plastic knockers are so lopsided that only one man, one with a club foot, can dance with her and her lop sided left breast.

Charlie and Jordan discover that his right club foot and her lopsided left breast go together like magic.

During the Grand Allegro Charlie does an assemblé en tournant and then Jordon lifts him into the air in triumph.

Its a moving story of how the human spirit can triumph over hedgehog inflicted injury and floppy plastic knockers.

3) Charlie Brooker is Sooty in ' Sooty and Sweep - the drug years'.

Charlie plays sooty - a once famous hand puppet now down on his luck.

Once a high living hand puppet who dated a plethora of TV stars such as Floella Benjamin and the Blue Peter dog, he is dropped by the BBC and becomes unemployed.

Sweep, also sacked, starts dealing crack in Brixton and he and sooty enter a nightmarish world of TV puppets and drug addiction where the Clangers high on smack are involved in a turf battle with the coke dealing Smurfs whilst the top gangster, a gangster known as Bagpuss, stalks the sreets slaying all opposition.

Charlie become a crack addict and one night he sees Bagpuss shoot dead four smurfs in an execution known as ' The Night The Streets Ran Blue With Blood'.

Bagpuss and his firm, led by a dark horse called Muffin The Mule a hitman for the Bagpuss gang, are hunting Charlie down.

Charlie has to fight his addiction to crack at the same time as he is struggling to survive the evil army of unemployed hand puppets on his trail.

The film culminates in a Tarantino style shoot out in cheap hotel in Brighton.

Charlie survives but his hand puppet protagonists dont.

In slow motion we see Charlie mowing down the army of evil hand puppets with an Uzi machine gun that he buys from a 14 year old school kid from Peckham.

These are the films we want to see, not more crap moves that are not about Charlie Brooker.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lee, I love it when you slag off Brooker.